With the world and their nintendog (do you see what I did there?) screaming about the Great Big Reveal and with me being known around these parts as a pretty vocal Nintendo cynic I think it only natural to give you my thoughts. Heck, this is my site, I don’t have to justify myself to the likes of you!

Firstly, it’s appearance wasn’t what I (or anybody?) was expecting. Nintendo’s clearly got a hardon for Apple right now and I guess we should have expected something like this when we saw that slab of plastic they showed us at E3. How could we all be so dumb? It makes perfect sense!

Another big deal is that, “OMFG! you turn it sideways and it’s a NES controller! GENIUS!”. Holy crap indeed. Talk about doing the unexpected eh? I mean, if it worked for the N-gage it’s going to work for Nintendo, right? I mean what’s the deal with focusing a big chunk of your next-gen do-or-die console planning on a 20 year old controller. A basic, fugly and just plain uncomfortable controller at that? What am I saying! It’s Nintendo – 90% of their selling strategy is to make you play their 20 year old games again. It makes perfect sense!

Oh, and It’s a 3D pointing device. You know something? My finger is a 3D pointing device too! I can see a lot of DS stylus control mentality crossing over into Nintendo’s new machine and I wouldn’t be at all surprised to see Nintendo produce big screen versions of Nintendogs, Kirby and Meteos to milk their IP and justify their design at the same time. It makes perfect sense!

But what about the games? Well, we know that Nintendo have this one covered in their typical fashion as all those old Nintendo games are going to be available for Revolution. Good news if you’ve ever felt that recent Nintendo consoles have suffered from a lack of support. And you like old games. That you can already get for free. Yes, well, ahem, as for new games – nope. Still no word. Oh, Iwata showed off a reconfigured version of the Gamecube’s Metroid Prime 2 with the controller. So that’s another old game on the new hardware. Jolly good!

So, allow me to present some possible Nintendo Revolution games that follow both their typical release strategy and would showcase their controller:

Super Mario Maestro ™
Princess Peach has been kidnapped and held prisoner in Ludwig Von Koopa’s music-o-tron! Oh noes! Mario must save her by using his virtual conductors baton. Wave your controller around and Mario waves his arms around JUST LIKE ANDRE PREVIN!

Lucasarts and Nintendo Present: Super Mario Jedi ™
Feel the force with Revolution! Fight lightsaber battles and collect mushrooms and stars by wielding your virtual sword around wildy and bastardised versions of mutually whored Lucas and Nintendo IPs. You can even play as Jar Jar!

Super Mario World Series Koopa-Snooker ™
Sporty Mario is back! He can dance! He can Strike! He can sink putts! He can ace his rivals! Now, Nintendo gives Mario time on the green baize and a 6-year contract promoting Embassy cigarettes! Use your amazing controller to aim the perfect shot, screw back and snooker your rivals. Don’t forget your spin!

Super Mario Kart: Back Seat Driver edition ™
ALL NEW! The legendary Super Mario Kart series returns for another bashing of the same 15 year old premise. But you don’t care! Now you can be WITH Mario and his friends actually IN the kart! Why control steering directly when you can virtually stand behind your driver and agressively point to areas on the road or Super Mario Map ™ and tell Mario that he should have taken that right turn you told him about.

Super Mario Minesweeper ™

Well, you get the idea. I mean, why allow folks the means to play videogamings most recent stunning successes such as GTA when you can create a niche market within a niche market? It makes perfect sense!

And let’s not forget the fact that cunning old Iwata has hedged his bets by suggesting that expansions for the controller are a possibility. In other words, if they’ve screwed it up, they can fix it later. Oh and they can make special peripherals to go with Nintendo games (such as the tilt sensors in GBA games) that no third party can afford to do. Nintendo were right when they said they didn’t expect much 3rd party support. They won’t get it.

And finally, Iwata holds his Great White Hope aloft and it says only one thing to me. See what you think:

Nintendo: Fucking you up the ass since the 1980’s

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